From time to time sadness comes over me and I need to embrace it and just be there with it – tuning in to what is sad for me. As I do this, the sadness gradually softens and is replaced by openness to the future and an appreciation of what is.
The other day, for instance, as I climbed a hill and caught a glimpse of the ocean, the realization that quite soon I would not be able to walk here and experience this wonder on a regular basis came over me. I noted my teary eyes and heaviness throughout my body. So, I stood there, looking out over the ocean. I seemed rooted to the spot as my sadness drained down into the earth. After a few minutes of honouring my sadness in this way though, I found I had begun to move on. The beauty of the place with its rocks, waves and wonderful natural landscape moved into the forefront of my experience and the sadness faded.
As I work through my grief in this way, I find that I am “moving on”. It happens in many different ways – sometimes with appreciation, and sometimes even with optimism and enthusiasm towards what the future may offer.
None the less, I was feeling quite vulnerable as I approached my “three score years and ten”. To me it was a milestone, and I knew it was something my husband would have made a big fuss over a few years ago. But I also knew that wouldn’t happen this year. I was sad about that, but it was more that sadness. The part of me who felt unworthy and unloved as a child took notice and went on high alert. Her anxiety began to flow through my veins. Maybe nobody would help me celebrate my birthday; maybe no one likes me; and maybe I’m just not good enough!
Fortunately, I know this needy part and I was able to support her and calm her fears to some extent. But I still felt some anxiety as my birthday approached. I was watching for signs that I was right. Part of me felt the need for proof.
So when the first cards and birthday greetings began to come my way I grabbed on. Here was proof and I didn’t want to let it go! Sad to say that didn’t work! Try as I might, the special moments passed and the harder I tried to hold on the less special they became.
Striving to hold on engaged my mind, and mischievously it began discounting the recognition coming my way. There was a nagging voice: that card didn’t cost much; those flowers were likely a last minute decision, and on and on. I wanted the hugs to last longer, and I wanted more and more good things.
I was caught in the vortex of the downward spiral. But, fortunately, I was paying attention and I knew what was happening. So, I calmed my neediness, and after some time was able to move on with an agreement to just be there – in the moment – throughout the rest of my big day.
Well, really it was more like a big week! People are still remembering me. And I feel so well loved and appreciated. I have had many, many wonderful birthday greetings - cards, flowers, hugs, phone calls, dinners, lunches – and on and on. So many wishes and so many good feelings that I can hardly bear it!
Just shifting my intention to being present for whatever came changed how I experienced what happened. I held each birthday moment in my awareness for however long it lasted and savoured its special richness; the feeling, the sound, the scent, the emotion. And as that moment passed – I let it go. I didn’t hold on.
The richness of those experiences is still warming my heart. Thank you dear friends and family for taking time from your busy lives to make my birthday special. Thank you for making your love for me so abundantly clear. How could I ever have doubted?
Oh, how well I know that nagging voice, the one that demeans life's precious moments in want of more. You are so right, "it is never enough" for that voice, that part. Thank you for sharing that part of your journey. It helps me (and probably others)see we are not alone in the process of downward spirals, internal negotiations and, thankfully,agreements to come back into presence. Happy Birthday, dear friend, Jo-Ann
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